Pain

I am plagued with migraines, they've been around for as long as I can remember. I get regular headaches also, they usually occur on the right side, while the migraines reside on the left side of the head. The pain that I feel takes a toll on me, it sucks up my energy, my patience and my strength. Do you know how difficult it is to explain to a non-migraine sufferer what you're going through? It's difficult because if they can't even entertain the pain in their minds there is no way for them to understand how you could possibly feel. Pain in any form changes a person in some way, for me, it changes my generally sweet, accommodating personality; I have no patience for anything I become easily annoyed. I don't like being around people when I don't feel well, some like to be pampered and rubbed but not I.....don't touch me, don't even look at me, better yet, just leave me alone with my pain. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for me, I won't even ask for anything because I know my patience is rice paper thin so I will be annoyed at the delivery and "why are you walking so hard". It makes no sense for me to act ugly like that but pain.....mainly migraine pain brings out the worst in me.

The last times I went to the ER, (yeah I know I said "times") all kinds of things were flowing through my head. I honestly didn't think I'd leave, I thought I would expire on the table with that IV in my arm. I went to the ER Friday and had to go back Saturday! My head was hurting so badly that I could barely think straight, I was trying my best to calm myself down, but it didn't work. I'm always nervous when the drugs enter my veins, I don't like being out of control and when drugs enter your body to some degree you are out of control. I strive to stay out of the ER because all those meds aren't good for my organs, mainly my liver.

Last night I went to bed because I was really tired, I did a lot of housework and the laundry and other little errands. While I was asleep, I had a pain in my head that woke me up, when I finally woke up my head was hurting so bad. I get so sick and tired of it all, just sick and tired! I was determined that the pain would go away, I wasn't taking any pills or anything else. Finally readjusting my head and neck I was able to get some relief and fall back to sleep. Today, again I'm tired, just trying to relax. However I went to the gym and went to the grocers, that pain is back, it plays with you....now you feel it and now you don't kinda game. I'm so tired, but I'm thankful that my pain isn't from a tumor or anything else along those lines, but I do wish I knew what causes the pain.

There are times when I wish I were by myself, left alone to suffer without it affecting others. Most people truly don't want to be a burden to anyone, especially their loved ones. It also takes a toll on those who are there in the midst, those who take you to the ER or make sure you're ok; I realize those facts that's one reason why when I am feeling good, I try to be good as gold to others. You know sometimes you can give so much of yourself that you have nothing left for you.

My name is UGLYFirst, I suffer from migraines, I'm more tired than not, I continue to push myself because that's all I know how to do, I deal with pain more often than not,

I

am

tired

!



If You Only Knew

If you only knew how much I admire you

If you only knew that you mean the world to me

If you only knew that forever you will be in my heart

If you only knew, what would you do?

If you only knew, what would I do?

If you only knew that you are the one person who gets me

If you only knew that you always know how to cheer me up

If you only knew that I am a better me because of you

If you only knew, what would you do?

If you only knew, what would I do?

The simple fact remains, you don't know

The simple fact is you'll never know

Why? Because if you only knew, there would be no reason for this poem.

What About Yo Friends?!?!

Someone once said, "with friends like these, who needs enemies" it had to get pretty cut throat for someone to make such a strong statement. The reality is amongst some friends it does go to that level and for various reasons but the one the comes to mind is jealousy. Jealousy can prevent a friend from rejoicing with those who are happy, it can cause one to not lend support in any manner, that green-eyed monster will create tension where there shouldn't be tension.

Why, if you say you're a friend, would one become a secret enemy? A question was posed on Facebook today, "Things That People Steal?", well my response was "your joy, your dreams and motivation". Have you ever been excited about something and you decide to share it with a friend and they find a thousand reasons why "it won't work", "too soon too fast", "bad idea", just totally shut you down every time no matter what it is. Granted, it may not have worked or it would've been a horrible idea, but instead of trying to help tweak it or give some positive advice, nope, you're left wishing you never shared shit with them.

Not everyone in your circle of friends is in your corner and the sooner you realize and accept that fact the better you can deal with those "frienemies". Now what I have a hard time understanding is why, why can you not be happy for me even though your life at the present moment isn't so great? Why can you not be a comfort to me when I'm sad or in distress? If I am there for my friends in all capacities you would think those motherfuckers would be there for me, ha, yeah right! Despite how insane I think some of them are or how stupid they act from time to time and how I know their thinking is fucked all the way up, I'm still there for them. I cry with them, listen to their life's drama, laugh and try to inspire them, engage them, indulge them and have even fucked a few of 'em but it seems to me when I'm happy the support wanes and waffles. Oh but let me be sad, heart-broken, drama galore and they seem to be eager to listen, support and be all I need them to be. Yea, that sounds good, but sometime you have to sit back and ask yourself, "why is it that they can be in the moment when my life is turned upside down, always wanting to call, email or text, just be there?"......."are they really that concerned or merely making sure my black ass stay miserable". I'm leaning towards the latter, ahh, but what ya gonna do, people are who they are and there's nothing I can really do to change 'em. Gotta love and accept people where they are in their lives.....took me awhile to embrace that statement.

Basically, I don't think one should sacrifice goals, dreams, ideas and suppress their happy, feel good moments because of friendships. Some have even ended relationships because of what their friends thought, get the hell outta here! Some have put their lives on hold because their girls didn't agree with their ideas and dreams. You know maybe your girls can't be supportive because they have no dreams of their own, they are too afraid to dream. Fear can be a motherfucker, you're too afraid to dream and dammit your friends can't dream either because you don't want to be left behind. If you're confident within yourself, you can be ok when your friends are soaring, happily in love and living out their dreams.

I wrote all of that because it was swirling around in my head and because I feel like none of my friends are happy for me and my relationship......ain't that some shit! Now, I could be wrong but the fact that I feel the way I do speaks volumes. Kinda sucks because I want them to share in my happiness but it's all good because I have a best friend who happens to be my bed mate and we're just tickled pink loving love and loving us.

No, it's not all good because damn, I really wish I had a core group......and by group I mean as few as 2 or 3 that not matter what I knew they were in my corner.

So, what say you? What about yo friends???

Loving, laughing, living, learning and listening,

UGLYFirst

2011 Was A Good Year

It's been awhile, but I'm back. The year has ended and a new one has begun, and I must admit I'm sad to see 2011 end. No, I didn't win a coveted award nor did I win the lottery but overall my life was good even with the ups and downs. I'm thankful because I survived 2011, many didn't. I learned a lot about myself, took some changes, achieved some goals and failed on some others, hey we can't win all the time.

I made some HUGE leaps in 2011, I was courted, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I confronted my sexual addiction, I quit my jobs.....and didn't have another lined up (that was SUPER HUGE for me), I fell head over heels in love with someone I had only known for less than a week, I moved to another state to start a new life with a woman, I gave ALL of myself to another person (something I had

 NEVER done before), I pursued things that I knew would add to my happiness, I changed my attitude about life, love and people and much more. Those leaps have enhanced my life in such a way that when I look in the mirror I can honestly say I'm pleased with me. Now don't get me wrong, there are other things that I wish to achieve, goals that I want to set and accomplish and things, places and people I wish to explore, but at this very moment all that I did in 2011 is golden with me.

My relationship, my love, my heart was cute at first then it became rocky, now it's wonderful. Now that's not to say we don't butt heads at times because we do, but we always manage to remember the foundation, the core of our relationship and we come together and continue living. Our relationship isn't based on sex, I had fallen in love before she ever touched me physically, however, she did in fact touch me, she touched my heart, my mind and my soul. You know sometimes you have to throw caution into the wind and just go for what you want, I wanted her so I went for it. Me being committed to her isn't scary to me, I want to only be for her, I only want her touch, her kisses, her sweet caresses, I want to be selfish and not share with anyone. I want to grow old with her, experience life with her, the ups and downs, joys and pains, I want, desire, need her in my life and me in her life.

2011 will always be special to me, I will always look back and smile. I'm excited about 2012, what lies ahead, the journey, the lessons learned, the ups and downs, the victories won and those that will get away. I feel very liberated because I'm living my life, my way and making happiness happen.

Always laughing, loving, learning and living......

UGLYFirst

Why Am I So Mean?

Ugh! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, honestly I don't! I have found the older I get, the lower my tolerance level falls for bullshit. I honestly believe I need it get a tested because I have become allergic to certain strains of shit, different strains causes different reactions, some just causes me to break out into hives; while others literally causes me to outright become enraged, there's simply no other way of putting it. When people come with that stupefied, "are you for real" eye-twitching bullshit that they themselves are having a hard-time believing, that's when I become enraged and want to rip them a new asshole! I am trying so hard in this New Year not to subscribe to people's idiotic bullshit and I have decreed a resolution I am thus-ly (yeah, I know, not a word) including this idea in my philosophy of forgiveness.

To include this into my philosophy of forgiveness is HUGE for me, super-duper HUGE! In saying this, I should tell you about my philosophy on forgiveness, so you all can understand where I'm coming from. {However, I will have to save and finish this tomorrow, for I fear my meds have kicked in and I am no longer in control of the typing but the pills are,}
Oh, ok, I'm back! Whew, sleep is the best thing ever! I gotta tell ya, the best medicine one can take for all that ails the soul.

Now, to my philosophy on forgiveness, hold on tight 'cause you're probably not going to believe this, but this is how I govern my life, it might not work for you, but it works for me and helps me sleep better at night. The things that most women would leave a mate for, I normally would not, i.e. cheating, lying, etc.

• Cheating: For most women they say, "oh the relationship would be over if I caught my girl cheating on me". Now for me, I wouldn't end the relationship, I first would have to ask myself and her "why" and that's something most people don't ask. Most partners never ask that question because nine times out of ten they already know the answer.  

Written January 19, 2010, uhhh, not sure why I didn't finish this post, but I didn't. I'm not going to try and finish it because I don't know where my mind was and if I added to it now it wouldn't be the same. Damn, I was mean in January???? Of course I was, I'm always mean who am I kidding, lol. I have to be mean because people take my kindness & sweetness and try to play me, so often I have to put my foot down and show these people that I'm not naive and someone to toy with

What A..........

What a differance a nap can make! Woozers! I'm feeling so much better! I think I'm just really tired, that's why I have been in a really foul mood. I went to my endocrinlogist and he said he wasn't sure the surgeon put me on the right dosage of thyroid hormone replacement after my total thyroidectomy. So, that's why it's so important that I take my medicine daily, which I so eloquently screwed up by taking myself off that medicine for 2 months. Needless to say, I learned that I can't do that because if I don't take my medicine, I eventually die, plain and simple.

I didn't fully understand what the thyroid did for the body, heck, I really still don't understand. All I know is this, for years I was ALWAYS cold, I wore sweaters year 'round, I don't like air conditioners, they are a waste of energy why not use the fresh air that the good Lord has provided for the world......that's my philosophy. I also never had enery, but I always pushed myself, I'm a busy person, I NEVER slow down because I ALWAYS have things to do, I'm always on some committee or volunteering or at some workshop. When I slow down and sleep, I SLEEP!

I'm not going to go into how I found out I have an issue with my thyroid and how serious it was with the surgery, because I think I may have covered it (if I haven't I will, because I think it's important for people to know signs).

Written on Febuary 5, 2010.

Well, here I am early Christmas morning, cooking, baking, facebooking and drinking! I hadn't a clue as to what I'm blogging about nor do I have a title, but hey I'm not worried, I learned a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff! So, i'm back 2 days later and I now have something to talk about, lol.

It has always been a desire of mine to move to another city and start over again. But every darn time, that old pesky love got in the way! Gosh!!! See, while I believe you can have a successful LDR, most others don't and they are generally very verbal about this fact. Well, here we go again, I feel that old familiar tugging at my soul, spirit and heart to strike out and go be.........somewhere else. You know, people do it all the time, they just gather up their belongings and get. Sounds great, but I'm a planner for certain things, if it were just a vacation I wouldn't have to have a plan, but we're talking about my possible entire life, gotta be more responsible. So, I've been researching jobs and living expenses, etc, because I'm too old, ok strike that, never too old, I have a kid that's depending on me to make things right and somewhat comfortable. *Notice I didn't say "easy", I believe not everything should be easy for children, it doesn't prepare them for real life if everything has been easy in life for them.

I've learned how to adapt to any situation, I think thats a really good skill to master. I wasn't always like that, I loathed change of any kind, but I had to force myself to deal with change, because if I didnt it would stunt my growth and I could miss out on a lot of really cool things being paralzyed by fear and anxiety.

Written December 25, 2010, no title, perhaps I was tired and a wee bit tipsy.

Riddle Me This

I was reading the Q Notes today and noticed something quite disturbing, there's ALWAYS stuff for gay men, geared towards gay men, mountian retreats for them, travels for them but never anything for lesbians. Why is that????

Written January 2, 2011

Layers

I am a femme lesbian, however, there are so many layers to me it makes it's kinda hard to fit neatly into such a small box. I enjoy wearing make-up and looking flirty, although I don't have a very feminine walk. I'm the kinda woman who doesn't mind doing the "dirty work", I can pump my own gas, change a tire, change my own oil, take the trash out and cut the grass. I love my breast and push-up bras that make my breast look like plump melons. I love wearing heels, although they hurt like hell but they define the muscles in my legs and look good as I stroll by. I enjoy spraying perfume on my pressure points so smells of me can linger while I'm long gone. I'm sweet, witty and smart, I have a great personality, and a sassy side to boot.

This was written on January 12, 2011, I can't finish it because I don't know where I was headed in this post.

I Want To Scream!

I want to scream!

I feel great sadness and sorrow at times.

I feel so alone at times.

Not trusting anyone or anything!

People say and do things purely for their gain,

Never once wanting to acknowledge my pain.

How do I find that which makes my heart sing?

When all I feel is people's sting!

I love you, you're cute, you're the one for me,

that's cute and all but what about how I feel.

They reach, grab and take

Use, abuse and confuse but insist

I'm what you need.

Oh I play their game,

For as long as I can fake it.

Then I come to a point,

Where I can no longer take it!

You're mean, you're hateful,

You goddamn ice queen!

I want! I want! I want! they say

I can't! I can't! I can't! I scream

They don't listen, they don't care!

Just open your legs they say, 

Let me take you to heaven.

Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over,

Why do I always end up in Hell?

No one understands where my true happiness lies,

It damn sure isn't between my thighs!

Just because I enjoy good sex,

Please believe I am far more complex!

No one takes the time to really get to know me,

Only exploring the outer realms

Too afraid to go deeper

Because "girl, you too damn controlling".

Of course I'm going to resist you

You running amok in my head

I feel if you really want me

You're willing to go all out and put the time in.

No one bothers,

No one really cares!

As long as they get a piece

They're content without having it all.

All of me, why not take all of me?

Why settle for the body,

The pussy, tongue and fingers,

And not the entire package?

So here I sit,

Sad, alone and desired.

So many desire,

But none willing to conquer.

Now ain't that some bullshit!

I want to scream!

I wrote this back on Feb. 21, 2011, for whatever reason I didn't click the "Publish Post" button, so it sat in my dashboard like many other post. Sometimes I write out of frustration, sadness, sorrow, happiness and sheer boredom, there's always something going on in my mind and in my life. I don't know if I was dating during that time or what was going on, but re-reading this "poem" (I guess that was what I was aiming for) I could sense sadness. It's the same thing it has been for years, everyone enjoys the sexual side of me, they like me when they first meet me but when I no longer want to continue on the course then I'm not so nice to them or compliant, but they still want the sex. I loose interest in people fast or become bored because they do nothing to hold my interest. There HAS to be more than sex as a foundation because when the sex is stale because you only know 1 move and expect me to work miracles my mind is already gone. 'Tis true, I enjoy good sex and love great sex, yea, I know a lot of "tricks" but damn bring something to the table, tickle my fancy, make me laugh, be cool with exploring new things outside of sex, damn at least watch the news so we can have some sort of conversation about something. Truth be known, I can and usually do have some incredible "self-loving" sessions, I romance myself, I light candles, have soft music or music according to my mood playing, sometimes I have nice hot bathes or showers and a glass of wine; so you see technically those who were pursuing me hadn't even risen up to the level I treat myself.

I truly believe most people think as long as they're bringing the sex that I will be satisfied and happy and want to be with them forever. There is more to capturing a woman than making her body feel good, uhhhh, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Usually the last thing thought of but it would've been the first thing intrigued and tickled. With me, sex is always going to come into play but it's oh soooo much better when I've been mentally stimulated, rarely do I get the mental stimulation. I'm trying to think how often it's happened and to be honest I can say only once, ok to be fair 1.5 times. If you engage the whole person, you don't have to worry if that person is cheating, how long they'll stick around or if there's thoughts of straying, those things will be moot points because you have managed to do what others rarely do. That person will be loving, devoted, respectful, always showing pure admiration towards you, as long as you don't abuse your position with them and the sex, baby, the sex will be amazing......well, it would be if you were with me, tee hee.

I'm glad I made it out of those dark times in my life unscathed, still willing to love, welcoming love and overall the same nice considerate person. OH, don't get it twisted, there are many dark times that followed, bad choices in people but I still survived and I will always survive.

Ahhh, living, loving, laughing and forever learning!

UGLYFirst

Standing On the Cusp of True Happiness

As I stand on the cusp of true happiness, I momentarily glance back at my past; a past filled with highs and lows, good times and bad. I use to look back in regret but no longer because the happiness I feel today causes me appreciate those past times. I appreciate all that I experienced because those rises and falls shaped me into the woman that I am today. All those people whom I allowed into my life, I forgive them for the hurt they caused and I forgive myself for the hurt I caused them. I own my part in every scenario, whether they own their part is on them, whether they trash me or not, it's none of my business what they think or feel about me. I don't regret having been in their lives, I don't regret all the memories that were made, I realize that it was all prep for my true love.

I started writing this on July 27th and now today August 17th, I return to finish. My feelings have changed, not for the worst but they have grown deeper. I still stand on the cusp of true happiness, ready to take a huge leap of faith in 7 days and I face it with mixed emotions. I'm very excited about being with the love of my life, starting our new life with our new family unit. But, there's a side of me that is sad about leaving behind everything I've grown to know, places I love to visit, people I've become attached to and love, I know the layout of the land and the surrounding towns, I've established relationships at the local bakery, the Mexican restaurant up the street makes my drinks just like I like them....strong, classmates, Cat lady across the street that I speak to and refuse to call Animal Control on, my mom, aunt, Tyrone, just familiarity. But, I LOVE my baby and my baby LOVES me, and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to her, I have to be with her, she is my truth, my joy, my rock, my soft place to land, my everything.

Us meeting one another wasn't planned, I didn't go out looking for her, once I met her I never imagined things would progress as they did. But what I can tell you is this, I fell in love with her well before I heard her voice, long before I laid eyes on her face to face. Yeah, I've felt things for other people, but nothing like what I feel for her, I can't imagine life without her in it. When I'm with her it's ok for me to be me.....corny, goofy, anal, rigid at times, too sugary sweet, opinionated, giddy, hopeful, happy-go-lucky, constantly smiling, passionate, fighter of children, affectionate, loving, spacey and so on and so forth; it's easy to be me because I know that she loves me truly for who I am. How can I resist her charm and her sweet, sensual love???? The way she looks at me burns into my corneas and melts my soul, she looks at me like I'm this incredible beauty, like no one else matters but me. I wish everyone could experience what I have experienced with her, my goodness it's amazing.

You know, I spoke with her before I got on with this post because I was really feeling down and I just needed to hear her voice for comfort and reassurance, and she did that and more. I think it's normal for me be a bit sad and nostalgic after all, this is a HUGE move, a new chapter in my life; but I'm very confident this will be awesome for me, my son and my baby. I have a great outlook on life, I'm good with people, I always try to see the positive possibilities in every situation, I'm slow to anger and quick to reconcile, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I'm not high strung and ready to blow things up because things aren't going my way, I think she will appreciate these qualities. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I'm moody and don't want to smile and I want to be pissy but it's all short lived.

I embrace the sadness that I feel but I refuse to let it overtake me; I'm standing on the cusp of happiness, there's no sad faces where I stand.

Living, learning, loving and laughing all the way to be with my baby!!!!

Uglyfirst

At Last

At last, my love has come along

My lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Oh, yeah, at last

The skies above are blue

My heart was wrapped up in clovers

The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to

A dream that I can call my own

I found a thrill to rest my cheek to

A thrill that I have never known

Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile

Oh, and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

For you are mine

At last......

These lyrics sang by most notably Etta James speak to exactly how I feel when I think of her. Because truly, at last my dream has come true, the happiness I am experiencing at this point in my life is like none other. Of course I've had some very happy joyous moments in my life, the birth of both my children were moments of great joy and happiness. Pushing out those tiny lives don't compare to anything I've ever experienced, actually being pregnant was an amazing feeling as well.

So, several days have passed since I started this post, but I remember all too well where I was going with this. Although I haven't known the love of my life long, there is something I feel deep in my heart, something that feels right, something that tells me she's the one for me, the one that I've waited for and dreamed of and at last, we meet!

I can search through every dictionary, thesaurus, lexicons, through every language known to man and still fall short of expressing what my heart and soul feels for this woman, what she means to me, how she has quietly & suddenly impacted my life. Someone asked me today, "what makes her so special", my response, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you", what we have between us is magical, innate and goes beyond the human understanding. I'm at the point in my life I really don't care what others think or feel about my actions in my life......because it's my life and I intend to life it as I see fit. Too old to need validation from the masses, too mature to worry what is being said about me (that's none of my business anyway), let them wag their tongues, fuck'em, I'm happy!

So, what makes her so special, ha where do I begin???? She accepts me for who I am, she makes me feel like I can conquer any task, she speaks to my innermost desires, she quiets my soul and excites my heart, she makes love to my mind, indulges my whims and calls forth those things which lay dormant for years. With her I come alive, with her I thrive, with her I feel free to totally be me, in her presence I shine, she held the key to my sanctum and opened it and let the best feelings flow like a raging sea that turned into a calm babbling brook. How can I not be attracted to this woman, how can I acknowledge her and simply turn away as if she's commonplace in my life? When one sees a rainbow, do they not stop and look in awe and wonder? Why do people flock to see the Aurora Borealis year after year? When people find a four-leafed clover, do they not tell everyone? Why do people all around the world get excited and show up for a total solar eclipse? Much like those things, how can I not sing her praises to the masses????

I do believe it's in our human nature to desire happiness, acceptance, love and a peace of mind, when one finds those things, especially all at once, it is special and it should be celebrated. I'm quite content with my choice to share my life with this woman, because it fits me, she is the missing piece and I have truly waited all my life for her and she arrived.......at last. Here's a song I'm dedicating to my heart, by a dynamic artist. Enjoy!

My wish for those who wander onto my blog and read this entry is a peace of mind, joy in your heart and someone who loves you & you loving them back. As always, it's in love that I humbly submit this entry, while sharing laughter in the hopes that you learned something new as you continue to live your life.

UGLYFirst

Head Over Heels

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Fantasizing about the love we would share.

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Longing for your touch, for your kiss, for your smile.

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Then one day I vocalized my dream

and many said I needed to keep on dreaming......

and I did!

Do you know I dreamt of you?

And one day, my dream came true.

Perfect is the love that we share,

Perfect is you for me and me for you.

Now I'm head over heels,

Yes, head over heels in love with you.

My dream has now materialized and is completely realized

My dream is love and love is you.

I no longer dream of you,

I don't have to anymore,

you have proven to be all I dreamed of and more.

Going Inside Myself

Daily I try to learn something, whether it is about the world in which I live, my community, about people, different things, others or myself. Last night, because I chose to take advice that turned out to be not so great advice, I potentially would've messed up my future with someone I deeply care for and love. I did not take my own advice, I took this person options away to choose and that was wrong. People always want an option, whether it goes in your favor or not. We all want to be able to have a choice in most, if not all matters of life, to be denied that right causes many different emotions.

In going through your daily life, try to think of others and their feelings and remember that everyone deserves a right to choose; even if their choice deletes you from their life. Like most things in life, you have to take that chance and hope for the best.

Today, I go inside myself, not to stay forever, but to linger for awhile to do some self-examining.......no self-loathing or self-bashing going on, just to do some maintenance work. I often go inside myself, knowing that I am far from perfect, but I daily strive for it, realizing it's a lofty pursuit that I will never acquire. Then, why do I strive for such???? I believe in my striving, it keeps me grounded and human. Sounds crazy, eh? Of course it does, but indulge me for a moment, there truly is a method to the madness, I'm not just mad. I am not one to think too highly of myself, I realize that in a twinkling of an eye my life can change. I don't put myself on a pedestal because I feel that I somehow am better than others because of my talents, education or personality. I keep myself grounded by the company I keep, the things that I do for others and my love of learning and gravitating towards others similar to myself. I am hard on myself, but at the same time I have my own back, it's no secret that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others. Not because I think I'm better, but I know my capacity to love and forgive, to restore others to grace & mercy, I don't hold grudges because it consumes those spaces that I need to fill with love, peace and happiness. I wonder why I decided to listen to someone else about what I should do in my life, that is so not like me. I'll admit, I don't take advice from others, for reasons I shall not disclose, but I took a chance and damn, wrong move.

Yesterday I posted a quote "Drowning people sometimes die fighting their rescuers." — Octavia E. Butler {Stop fighting against those who really mean us well, who honestly care & love us. It's those who are grimy & secretly hate us that we think have our best interest at heart. Take the blinders off and really see who you allow into your life.}


That right there!!!!!! When I post quotes, I mainly do it to encourage myself, if it touches others, then that's great. After last night and going through what I did with this special someone, my thoughts about that quote came back to me........just because a person is in your circle doesn't mean they're in your corner, some people secretly hate you, they want to see you fail, they stay close to see your relationships crumble,  they plot and scheme, throw rocks and hand their hands. They do this because they have low self-esteem, they aren't happy and don't want you to be happy, jealousy flows through their veins, hatred is their motivation. I've always said, "I don't have to put your light out so my light can shine, both of our lights can shine at the same time.", but apparently someone doesn't believe that and that's a pity.
 
Going inside myself, is a needed activity, I need to break up some ground and put up some weeds so when seeds are dropped into life, they will fall on fertile ground and grow. I hope to return a little wiser, smarter and more grounded, with a keen sense of self-awareness, loving myself a little bit better, being a better servant to others and being a better potential mate to that someone special (Muffin).
 
Until another time in space, take the time to live a little, laugh a lot, learn more and love with all your heart....

UGLYFirst